Friday, May 05, 2006
I know this weeks posts have been rather thin. I just had too much on my plate.( I hope this is the LAST of it!) Mom's doing really well, and went out tonight with some of her friends for dinner. They've decided to take over where I left off. And I went to work today, and all I got was good vibes! SOOOO Scary! But at least I'm not being hounded for taking so much time off......
Well, I know this is late. I'm scheduled for early shifts for the next few Fridays. So I'll either post them late Thursday, or y'all will just have to wait until Friday night. Sorry- but that's just how things are going in my world right now. But at least I have a couple of concert tickets in my hands, that put a big ol' smile on my silly face!
So, with out any more crap- Your Friday Funnies! First one from Kat:
You Might Be A Redneck If . . .
. . . you were acquitted for murdering your first wife after she threw out your Elvis 45’s.
. . . you think watching professional wrestling is foreplay.
. . . your front porch collapses and four dogs get killed.
. . . you no longer drink wine ever since the screw cap got caught up your nose.
. . . you think that Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
. . . that billboard that says, “Say No To Crack” reminds you to pull up your jeans.
. . . your wife’s hairdo was ever ruined by a ceiling fan.
. . . you go to your family reunions looking for a date.
. . . you think a Volvo is part of a woman’s anatomy.
. . . your Junior/Senior Prom had a Daycare.
. . . you’ve got more than three cousins named “Bubba”.
. . . you have an Elvis Jell-O mold.
. . . taking your wife on a cruise means circling the Dairy Queen.
. . . you ever won first prize in a tobacco spittin’ contest.
. . . on Thanksgiving Day you have to decide which pet to eat.
. . . you’ve ever come home and found crime scene tape across your front porch.
. . . your favorite entree is Spam barbecued on the grill.
. . . your child’s first words were, “Attention K-Mart shoppers!”.
. . . your idea of high-quality entertainment is a six-pack and a bug-zapper.
. . . you think the last words to The Star Spangled Banner are “Gentlemen, start your engines.”
. . . you’ve ever gotten an official letter of recognition from a tobacco or beer company.
. . . you vacuum the sheets instead of washing them.
. . . you’ve ever valet parked a snow plow.
. . . you break wind in public and blame it on your kid.
. . . you’ve ever had to siphon gas from your lawn mower to put into your truck.
. . . you’ve ever paid for a six-pack of beer with pennies.
. . . there are hubcap wind chimes anywhere on your block.
. . . you think paprika is a Third World country.
. . . you go to a stock car race and don’t need a program.
. . . you have a bumper sticker that says, “My mother’s an honor student” at the local junior high.
. . . you think potted meat on a saltine is an hors d’oeuvre.
. . . the velvet paintings in your house were bought from an art dealer on the side of the highway.
. . . you have no hubcaps on your car because you’re using them to feed your hunting dogs.
. . . you can’t visit relatives without getting mud on your tires.
. . . your mother doesn’t put shoes on to go grocery shopping.
. . . you’ve ever been blacklisted by a bowling alley.
. . . you honest-to-God think women are turned on by animal noises and seductive tongue gestures.
. . . anyone in your family has ever purchased peroxide in a gallon container.
. . . you don’t think baseball players spit and scratch too much.
. . . you’ve ever been to a wedding reception at the Waffle House.
. . . your dog has ever brought home something that you cooked for dinner.
. . . you owe a taxidermist more than your monthly income.
. . . you’ve ever caught bugs just so you could throw them in the bug zapper.
. . . you have a Hefty Bag for a passenger-side window.
. . . you’ve ever hollered, “Rock the house, Bubba!” during a piano recital.
. . . your watchband is wider than any book you’ve ever read.
. . . you know who is actually leading the Winston Cup series.
. . . you’ve ever had to turn your pickup truck around because of bridge clearance restrictions.
. . . your favorite beer company cannot afford to advertise.
. . . you time your belches to achieve a personal best.
. . . your new job promotion means that the company foots the bill to have your name sewn on your shirts.
. . . the fountain at your wedding spewed beer instead of champagne.
. . . your favorite restaurant has the word “eats” anywhere in the name.
. . . there’s graffiti on the bathroom wall in your own house.
. . . you have grease under your toenails.
. . . your idea of a romantic evening is sharing the same spit cup with your girlfriend at a tractor pull.
. . . your best coon hound gets a birthday present and your wife doesn’t.
. . . your mother has more chest hair than your father.
. . . you think Campho-Phenique is a miracle drug.
. . . you think a manicure is some kind of French doctor.
. . . your mama saves aluminum foil.
. . . you have more than two brothers named Bubba or Junior.
. . . you clean your house with a water hose.
. . . during the wedding ceremony the minister said, “Do you, DeWayne, take Connie to be your old lady?”
. . . the game warden knows the serial numbers to your guns by heart.
. . . you pawned your grandfather’s pocket watch because you needed beer money for the weekend.
. . . you took your coon dogs on your honeymoon.
. . . you drive across town to see a car wreck.
. . . it’s impossible to see food stains on the fabric of your work uniform.
. . . your best sofa came out of a Chevrolet.
And because you all have been so kind, another giggle, this one from my Roomie Janine ( HEY girl! Call me!!!!!!!!!!!!!)
The value of a good drink:
"Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I drink
I feel shame. Then I look into the glass and think
about the workers in the vineyards and all of their hopes
and dreams If I didn't drink this wine, they might be out
of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say
to myself, "It is better that I drink this wine and let their
dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."
~ Jack Handy
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell
happened to your bra and panties.
"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they
wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're
going to feel all day "
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher,
smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."
~ Henny Youngman
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?
I think not."
~ Stephen Wri ght
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.
"When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk,
we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin.
When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all
get drunk and go to heaven!"
~ Brian O'Rourke
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.
"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants
us to be happy."
~ Benjamin Franklin
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.
"Without question, the greatest invention in the
history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the
wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does
not go nearly as well with pizza."
~ Dave Barry
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over
again that you love them.
To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group.
Salvation in a can!
~ Dave Howell
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with
members of the opposite sex without spitting.
And saving the best for last, as explained by Cliff Clavin, of Cheers.
One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm.
Here's how it went:
"Well ya see Norm...A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first.This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
I'll be back tomorrow, with insights into why it's not good for a Mom to be gone too long from her family. Other than that------
Have a great weekend!!!
Peace and Love, KC!
P.S. to Kim- I've had Quizno's now- I understand! ;-)
Invisioned on |7:12 PM|
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